December 17, 2004
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I am definitely not looking forward to the next couple of weeks, along with the holiday season. I’m going to be alone for the first time in 17 years! My son is flying to Colorado for the holidays, to spend time with the girlfriend he met online. She’s undergoing exploratory knee surgery on the 28th & since my son has already been through massive surgery on his knee, he wants to be there to help her (even though I have gone through 4 surgeries & he was little, if any, help to me, especially when I asked… he wouldn’t even make a sandwich for me after my first breast surgery!).
A couple friends/DAV chapter members have already told me they don’t want me to be alone… to come spend time with them. But they have their own families/problems that arise that I don’t think much will happen. I’m not holding my breath.
I had an appointment with the psychiatric nurse practitioner on Monday I’ve been seeing since my psychiatrist ‘medically retired.’ I spend almost an hour with her… alot of it crying. I won’t be seeing her the next time, since the VA has finally hired a replacement for the one who quit (it was stress, due to the people who work in the clinic & the system itself, not the patients… I guess he followed the advice he gave me in December of 1999!). A female! And one who actually spent time counselling patients in Iraq during the Persian Gulf War!
The nurse was very concerned about my emotional state. She’s suggesting that I see the MSW with the clinic, who incidentally runs the clinic (in name only… she’s a scatterbrain who’s controlled by one RN who’s been there for many years… who, by the way, seems to like me, much to my surprise!). She also gave me the phone number to the Crisis Hotline for the State, telling me to call them if I have the need for someone to talk to during the holidays. I’m one who always feels stupid calling them. It’s not like they can really do anything to effect a positive change.
You see, I threw out a bad comment to my son in the middle of our argument about him going to Colorado. I told him that maybe it’d be better if I just wasn’t around anymore, so he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I know that biting remark was wrong of me & dumped something on my son he doesn’t deserve. But it alludes to how I’ve been feeling alot of the time since I was first told I had cancer & an unrealistic way to cope with the disaster I see around me of our home. I’m tired of fighting… of just being alive with all that I have to deal with day-to-day. I can’t see what good I am anymore… what I contribute that’s worthy of note. It’s as I’ve mentioned here in the past… others go out of their way to make accommodations for some, but I’m always left out or pushed aside or added only as an ‘after-thought.’ I’m never another’s first thought or priority.
Don’t get me wrong… I know I’ve raised a wonderful son. He’s just not much of a help for me. We’re also having arguments about college. I had hoped that in our discussions I’d convince him about how important some things are when becoming an adult, avoiding the prospect of him having to learn things the hard way. It isn’t working. For example, when something comes up in his attempts to gain a start in higher education, he allows that little road block to stop him. He’s old enough that I shouldn’t have to be ‘leading him by the hand,’ but he’s not taking the incentive. Like the fact that he could have been working for the last nearly 2 years, but refuses to even try to get a job that entails working with food & other decent jobs won’t hire minors (like Wal-Mart & the new Home Depot in Hilo). He turns 18 next month, so missed getting into Home Depot when the new store opened just yesterday to the public.
Why do guys always have the mentality that “the grass is always greener on the other side,” then learn the truth after much heartache & devastation? Why can’t they listen to those who’ve ‘been there, done that?’
Anyway, I also had another appointment on Tuesday with the VA rheumatologist. Recently, I tore a ligament or whatever on the outside of my left hip. It was so bad that for about a week, any movement felt as though I was reinjuring it. I couldn’t even raise that arm without a sharp burning pain on my hip! I ended up taking my leftover oxycodone from my last surgery just so I could move (one per day). All I did to injure the hip was step off to turn while walking inside of my house.
While I was talking to the rheumatologist, I mentioned something I had read on MayoClinic.com about ankylosing spondylitis. I was browsing their site about different types of arthritis & this one struck a chord with me, because one of the symptoms is the lower spine fusing itself (grows together on its own).
After getting out of the Navy, I remained in Norfolk, VA, for a few months, because I could hardly move. I had sciatica so bad I could hardly stand or walk. I was treated in the Navy for this as though it were a ‘hysterical’ pain… in other words, bullshit. I went to the VA outpatient clinic in Hampton Roads, VA, for more pain medicine, because I had run out. I had been taking 800mg ibuprofen 4 x daily, which barely touched my pain. The doc I saw looked at the same X-ray that my ship’s doc (an osteopath) had looked at (telling me nothing was wrong with my spine) & told me that my L-5 was fused to my sacrum! It’s the classic symptom of ankylosing spondylitis! And no doctor has made the connection! I DID!
When I mentioned this suspicion to the VA rheumatologist, I could see a light bulb going off in her face! She said it could explain the pains & swelling in my hands & feet. It’s also leading her in another direction as far as treatment for my arthritis. Another thing she mentioned… she served her internship at Rochester, MN’s Mayo Clinic! I told her that’s one of my primary online medical reference resources (I also used WebMD.com). She’s talking now about putting me on a sulfa drug, sulfasalazine, along with an opiate as a painkiller (the ibuprofen screws up my acid reflux/heartburn, barely touches my pain when it peaks & loses its effectiveness quickly). Obviously, if I still had an opiate (oxycodone) left after major surgery (my hysterectomy/oophorectomy in 2002), I’m not one to be concerned about abusing narcotics. I have no desire to be hooked on any meds! I don’t even like the fact that I’m taking an anti-depressant (which, by the way, doesn’t work for me; I only take it because it repells mosquitos!) & will likely have to in some form for the rest of my life.
She still wants me to retry the hydroxycloroquine, which I believe caused my hands & feet to break out in a rash/hives. So, after the holidays, I’ll try it again & if the rash starts, I’ll go to the clinic to show the nurse who works under the rheumatologist, not the one who claimed it was contact dermatitis. I did tell the rheumatologist about the herbal cox-2 inhibitor I had taken, but also stopped at the time the rash developed. And told her her I had started taking MSM, which is sulfer. She had noted that my swelling was less & told me to keep doing whatever I was doing, because it seems to be working. I thought perhaps my herbal tea had something to do with that as well, since I had made a gallon of it last week. I haven’t made more, so haven’t had any recently. I forgot about having added willow bark (the basis for asprin) which doesn’t have the ‘side’-effects of OTC asprin, which is synthetic. Willow bark is analgesic, meaning it reduces swelling & the ensuing pain from swelling. It was used by Native Americans hundreds, if not thousands of years ago.
She also wants me to have a new lower spine X-ray (she couldn’t find the Hampton Roads one’s report). I’m waiting for the nurse, who was busy at the time with a telemed conference, to write the referral. Ordinarily, I’d have gotten that paper right away & gone straight over to the radiologist. Now, it’ll mean another trip sometime this month into Hilo, to the clinic to pick up that paper & back down the hill to radiology & another long wait until someone decides to call me with the results or wait until I see the rheumatologist again in 2-4 months. *SIGH*
Please don’t miss my previous blog for today. Once you read it, you’ll see why.
Comments (4)
There are alot of different antidepressants – you might want to consider trying a different one. I went through five before I found one that worked, but even that is a pretty quick treatment.
At one time, I was on 4 different meds… 2 actual antidepressants & 2 other meds that augment the antidepressants.. I was on the max dose of Zoloft & it had stopped working for me, so that’s when he added other stuff. I cold-turkeyed the meds a couple years ago, except for the one I’m still taking that repells mosquitos, called mirtazapine (Remeron). Living in the jungle with no mosquito control by the county anymore, mosquitos are extremely prolific & I’m a mosquito magnet. Unfortunately, mirtazapine causes weight gain, hence my extra 45 pounds.
My little brother, who is now 21, refuses to work at a factory because, in his tiny mind, fatory work is for losers… losers getting paid $14 per hour. Yet, he is perfectly happy working at Sears and Old Navy.
Our tribes medicine man takes Osteo Biflex. Lol. It’s true. My uncle Anakwad swears by it. Several people in my family use it now and it provided real results. I would imagine that any glucosimine chondroitin would be of service. I’ve seen all available at Wal Mart and the more expensive, Osteo Biflex, available at Target and K-Mart.
Thank you for the referral to Susu. Amazing information. My sentiment is true, but it is founded in falseness. What an enigma.
Unfortunately, Christopher, I can’t take glucosamine/glucosamine-condroiten. Its source is shellfish & I’m allergic. So I’m having to find alternatives, like loading up on flaxseed, walnuts, macnuts, etc. If I weren’t allergic to fish & had been eating cold water fish all this time, I believe I wouldn’t have this problem. But I can’t eat fish, or it gets hard for me to breathe. Each allergic reaction only gets worse. More’s the pity.